This is the future, and you are alive.

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xmicahh:

For all those who write “Suicide Notes” on tumblr just to get notes.

Fuck you. You see those pill cartridges I’m holding? Those are filled with Zoloft. Zoloft is an anti-depressant prescribed to those who suffer from Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and OCD. Google it up if you don’t believe me.

Yes my name is Micah Naguit, and yes I do have to take Zoloft every single fucking day of my life.

Want to know why? Because I am suffering from Depression, Panic/Anxiety disorder, and a whole slew of things. I have to take 100mg everyday and go to my therapist at Nationwide Children’s Hospital every Tuesday.

No, this is not a “Suicide Note”, this is to show you what it’s really life for a surviver of a suicide attempt.

I had attempted suicide three times. Two in 2010, and one last February. For everytime I tried, did I go onto tumblr and “blog” about it. No, because I was too busy sobbing my eyes out while getting my belt ready on my ceiling fan to hang myself with. I didn’t want to be with anyone but myself. The second time I attempted, I had almost succeeded(by hanging) until my mother found me and forced me down. Then I took a bottle of Codine(for my migraines) and swallowed 3 pills. I was about to swallow more until my Mom had called the police(this was back in December, remember my “pneumonia”?).

After they had stopped me, I was ESCORTED via the police in his POLICE CAR, to the Ohio Hospital of Psychiatry. I stayed there for an entire week under suicide watch while I had to “play happy” and be on good behavior. I was diagnosed with depression because of extreme bullying I had suffered the entire year last year.

Once I was released I had to go to the Children’s Hospital for my therapy. Did I go straight to tumblr and talk about it? Hell to the no. I was embarrassed for doing what I did so I made up the lie about being deathly ill for 2 weeks. Anyways, from the hospital and my therapist I learned how to slowly cope with my suicidal thoughts. I am suffering from what I had stated above and PTSD.

I still have nightmares about what happened in December, I still get my days when I don’t want to do anything but sob in my bed, I still have these visions of taking a gun and shooting myself in the head once a week, but do I take my belt and hang myself again? No.

Because I’m thankful I’m still alive. Being in OHP(the psych hospital) was hell. It was prison for those who have mental issues. I never want to go to that place and it helped me realize just how precious my life is.

So seeing all these “fake suicide notes” piss me off because you guys have no FUCKING idea what it’s like to go through depression and wish to end your life. It’s fucking hell and it fucking hurts. I thank god for my family, friends, my therapist, and Children’s Hospital for still being alive.

Don’t joke about something that happens among people every single day of our life and if you are seriously contemplating it, don’t. Because if you don’t succeed, you’ll suffer a fate worse than hell. 

By the way I have been in therapy for about three months and taking Zoloft for that time. I hate the pills, they make my woozy and I love my therapist but it’s tiring having to drive back and forth. Everyday my Mom marches into my room, “tucking” me to sleep while crying hoping I’m still alive by the time she wakes up. My brother really does run back home from school just to make sure I’m not hanging from my ceiling. My Dad doesn’t even know how to talk to me anymore because he’s afraid I’ll get offended and start sobbing. My family doesn’t know how to trust or approach me anymore and that’s what hurts the most.

Not the scar on my neck that I photoshop out of my photos, not the stares I get from my cousin, not the anxiety, panic, and suicidal thoughts that live in my mind. No what hurts the most is seeing my family suffer through the same pain I have to go through.

Killing yourself might solve your pain but it only gives a worse pain to those who love you.

Suicide is real. It does happen to people just like you. It happened to me and none of you knew it because while I was there on the chair ready to jump off, I wasn’t thinking “Oh let me blog about this shit and get 234985349 notes”.

Currently, I’m going through the “Five stages of grief” lessons in my therapy. As my assignment, I’ve had to tell my classmates that I suffer from depression and that I tried to commit suicide back in December. You don’t have to believe me, but it’s true. I just decided to finally tell my followers because I’m tired of seeing these damn “suicide notes”, they just offend me and make me realize the shit that helped me get into where I am right now.

THIS is offensive.

Some people may use fake suicide notes to gain attention, but how would you know that that was the case. You cannot know what is going on inside of every person who posts a suicide note. They could be desperately looking for any sign that there is ANYONE who cares about their life. You have no idea what they are going through, what sort of depression they are suffering from.

I realize the OP has gone through a lot and that is unfortunate. But that doesn’t give them any right to say that the people writing suicide notes have no idea what it’s like to have depression or wish to end their lives. That is insensitive and offensive.

And so what if some of the notes are fake? It’s not hurting you. These are people, with lives, who are hurting and longing for love.

I myself have suffered through depression [I’ve been doing much better for several months now] and I know that I just wanted people to be there for me and love me through it. I hardly ever mention anything about it on the internet because I feel like it makes other people feel awkward. But if someone is brave enough to share that they are hurting, we should show them love, not hate.

If you are hurting, talk to someone. There actually are people out there [like me] who would love to listen and encourage and pray for you. You are special. You have worth. You are loved.

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There is always hope.

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